It's what I wish for

Recently I have found some secret about wishing. Basically, I want everything but not willing to trade everything for it. No I understand why I was not happy. I just want to change.

Coming back for more?

Some news: I have moved! New house -at the moment- is not bad. However, I am not sure when I am gonna move again. I wish it should not be temporary.

I had travelled to Vietnam for 2 months and back here since November. The trip was great, but not like how I imagined before. Since when I became stranger myself in my home country?? Never mind. I will find some way then.

Recently I have changed a lot of thing. Instead of cooking and housewives-things, I now pay attention to arts, fashion and beauty. It was disaster looking back at my self on those pictures taken on 2010, 2011. How could I changed my style dramatically like that? (and in such old and boring style!!!!!) Gosh! For other stuff, please, Kathleen, be patient, and you will have every thing that you want.

Going to 30 in next...several years, suddenly I find me going on new way. Haizz! But I better start it than doing nothing.

Happy mode!

For some reasons, I always have bad luck (or a good luck - when I looked back several years later!). It took me so long for assessment venue and date! Haizz! But at least now I scored better than 3 months ago. Such a relief!

Recently I was quite busy with different parties: afternoon...beer with friends, BBQ .... under the rain, swimming day (but mostly dived), clubbing and so on. Quite many activities huh? All the parties was so fun. I am so glad that at least when I leave this country, I still have some memories to keep. Thank you, my dears!

Is he the wrong guy?

I have never want to have a daughter in future as I think it's dilemma being a girl. But I have one, I would love to tell her how I think about my relationships.

I used to look for a perfect man who is qualified by my own categories such as smart, strong and manly - ofcourse. Past few years just keep looking for those men and felt for some who was potentially fit with my checklist. Ah, to be honest, long time ago, I think check-list is something stupid, but then I realised if there is no check-list, I am the stupid one, who throws everything out just for a not-worthy-guy!!! Now it's real dilemma!

There we go, a check-list for any one who wants to join into my world. But somehow all the potential candidates turned into...some childish, selfish and low visionaries. But it was not the worst, they were all too young for me regardless of ages (30+, 20+ -- they're the same!).

Back to my current relationship, when I started to date him, I used to think he's mature enough although he is younger than me 1 year. It meant I did not expect too much about his adulthood. In the beginning, I was fine with all the...childish things until one day, I found exhausted being his mum. The question are: Do I change, require more and more Or he's wrong guy?? I believe the answer for both questions are the big "YES". I have changed after dating because being his mum is not myself and not what I wanted. I wanted to be his sweet, sexy girlfriend, not daring mum! After time, I could not accept the facts that I am closer being his mum. Then I require more and more from him to reject that position. But on the other hands, he is still a kid for me. So what should I do now?

Right at this moment- writing you a story, I am thinking about finding me a new one. But how long does it take until I find the right guy? Or I will never meet anyone who perfectly fits my list!

You know, I think from all the relationships I had, It was always me, who screwed it, not them. Because they were very nice guys until they..met me. Why? I spoiled them with too nice treats because I want to do everything for my lover! That's suck! Do you know why, because I swap every thing that a girl should be to ...someone who cares and loves them unconditionally! That such of love is only from mother. OMG! How stupid I was. I did not demand them to buy me these, those (it's not about money, you got what I meant?), I did not demand them to change for me, or spoil me, I was always a strong, confident women (now it more likely their mum!)

Now I see, being a girl that mean being a powerful person to loved man, who are willing to do everything to provide and protect her. What a joke when I am think of myself as a protector or even a mentors! F***!

From men's perspective I think I adopted wrong approach from the very beginning. I should have let them know about my requirement first. If they are happy with that, we can move to next stage which are finding and accepting and finally marriage. Now I see, men can change if they want to, so I would love to notice my current boyfriend about they way he treats me. Instead of a message I love to receive a call from him when he's away saying he misses me and worries about me. Instead of apologising and saying he would change, he should act properly, not wordy! Instead of being his mum, loving him unconditionally, I also want to change. I want to be spoiled by him, encouraged by him. In another word, I want to change him and I want him growing up.

So there is no perfect man readily for me, unless I work really hard to get one. My boyfriend is potentially, all I need is some effort to change him, if not, there is nothing to regret about, isn't it? But do I still have enough love until then??!!! Maybe!

When the moment's gone!

Lately, I don't feel that I am in the mood for food! Strange huh?! The sight was overcooked squids, burning rice and can-not-say-what-cakes-those-are... Right! From the sight and the wastes I've made, decided not to baking again!

My dad called me. We haven't talked since last fight. Normally I do not fight with my dad for whatsoever reasons, because I believe he's always right. But last time was different. For the first time of my life, I did not think he was right, then I started the war. The war ended up with anger from both sides and my mum stepped in the middle to separate us. Usually, after the fight with my dad, I would find something to make up with him; but not this time. Since then I kept the silence and distance. Then he called me to talk. He asked about my plan in near future. Near future here - I meant till the end of this year. Right!

I have a habit of planning everything. For example last year, I planed to finish my master, and this year will be a marriage, next year would be kids or something else. However, not every time, things done as it planed. After carefully consideration, I have to postponed my project until... no idea when it can happen. If I were me 3 years ago, I would have been upset and down for couples of weeks then let every thing be. Now, I have another attitude with that: go to plan B. And I am so glad that my dad- finally understand what I am going for. THat's all I need.

So what's related to "when the moment's gone"? It's simple! Let it be, try another case, prepare another plan and be decisive. Waiting for another moment. That's it!

Love, identity, sadness... and so on

Just had a small conversation with P. Among friends, I considered her as one of the most bright people I've known. She taught me a lot of things from the basic marketing to dealing with emotion in any kinds. She's the only one in this business world that I would not stab on her back or do anything to harm her. I know, sounds crazy huh? But I would never harm anyone who showed their hands when I was in trouble. In addition, I found some kinds of bond between us. Somehow we're quite similar in mindset. I always think that it is waste for her to stay in Vietnam for so long.

Back to the story of us, P recently experienced some depression after breaking up with her boyfriend after 5 years dating. I know this would happen someday. But to be honest, I did not want to see that and I did not expect it happened when she was so ready for full-time wife position. Is there any really - third party who can ruin 5 years relationship? I don't think so. All I have in mind is maybe her love is not really enough or she- actually like me- is not ready for wife being. It's funny huh? I guess!

For so long, I was convinced by the thought that it should be the man who start a relationship or finished it. Yeah, women did a lot of things. Men thought that they were just after women after all. But can you see it's always a man who decides every situations??? !!! You might say it always be a woman who slips the word"break up" first! But I think if the man did not do something wrong, why does she want to break up? We- women are not that complicated as men thought. All we need is just unconditional love from men. As long as we feel love from men, we won't break everything we had or trade it for granted. Even if we cheat on men, it is because men force us to go on the other ways!

OK, sorry for that silly thought, back to my dear P, we had some similar idea about "in relationship" such as: losing our habit, hobbies, styles, everything that we used to be. P that I know once was talented, strong women who pursues brilliant career and supports charity. She was always confident with what she had. Now there is she, quite feminine but losing the gut to move. You may tell me about many cases out there where a lot women are happy with wife- position. I know it and used to dream about it. I have seen many people willing to give up those identities just for her true man. I have nothing to against that but I keep asking myself does the man worth that for me to give up everything I had? It's surely worth if I find the right one. Then Bang! The next question: who is the right one? Haizz! Sorry, I lost in my mind, again! P said that during dating time, she has changed into another. Agree! I used to think that I lived closely with who I was during relationship with my boyfriend but actually, silently I changed into someone he wanted me to be. P also stated that she lost her habit and hobbies soon after dated that guy. I understand that.

Well, after relationship it remains sadness for those who are 18-20. P is close to 30 now, so I don't bother that she would be collapse after the broke up . I believe she will be better soon. However, what is better for us? Our freedom, identities or real family? I doubt about it. Right now we may happier when we can go on our ways, but later, when we turn to 30s somthing, will it be OK being alone? I don't think so!

Lazy days!

Yesterday I went to Birmingham visiting an old friend. He just had a baby girl. The girl is so adorable. I love babies especially when they are just about under 12 months! He he when they are older and older, they become somehow- annoying!

Recently I had a long holiday (although I did not work for 3 months) because of Easter, Mayday, Royal wedding (which was very annoyed and disappointed). Could not travel because of engineering network happened everywhere. Haizz! But I am in very good mood. I think I want to learn Chinese (again!). Somehow I think I would have some opportunities in Taiwan to go to US. I want some changes. UK was never ever been my favourite destination, but did not know why I ended up staying here.!!!! Hope that by the end of this year, I can achieve some things as planned! he he